You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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