i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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