So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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