I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
