I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
