she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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