Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
