Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
