Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
is this the sara with the beer cane?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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