Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
