her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
