How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He uses pillows to masturbate.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
