I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize