I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize