gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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