Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize