Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
