She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
