Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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