Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize