dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
