I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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