Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
