Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
