I cannot find my penis.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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