Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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