News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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