I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
