so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
