just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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