I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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