I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
