My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
