one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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