I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
