So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize