I wish my penis had an off switch
Just took my morning after pill in the library
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
