i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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