Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
