I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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