it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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