is your mom at the bar?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
