you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
