I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
