why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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