who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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