omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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