Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
