don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i will never coherently bang her
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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