So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I cannot find my penis.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
