It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
