Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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