I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
